My Heart Opening/Attack Parts II and III: The How and the Why

crown kundalini

My Heart Opening/Attack Part II:  The How

My heart opening/attack was a STEMI, a 100% blockage in my right coronary artery.  From the American Heart Association: “STEMI is a common name for ST-elevation myocardial infarction, which is a more precise definition for a type of heart attack. It’s caused by a prolonged period of blocked blood supply that affects a large area of the heart. STEMI has a substantial risk of death and disability and calls for a quick response.”

I really could have died.

This is how I didn’t:

  • I didn’t wait around to see if the pain would go away. I got myself to a hospital that thankfully had an amazing protocol for treating MI patients and that was close by to its parent facility with an outstanding Cardiac Care Center.  (Again, PLEASE CALL 911!  Do not try to drive yourself or have someone drive you to the hospital! ) Treatment within the first hour to two of an MI is essential.  Besides the fact that an ambulance can probably get you to a hospital faster, they can also speed up your chances of getting treatment more quickly by notifying the hospital of your condition so they can be ready to begin the MI protocol immediately upon your arrival.  There’s also this…if you code on the way, they can actually do something about it.
  • I took that aspirin. Although I took it because of the headache, it probably saved my heart from permanent damage.  Note:  CHEW the aspirin (a regular, 325 mg., UNCOATED aspirin or four 81 mg. “baby” aspirin) and wash it down with water.  That will get it into your system faster.
  • I stayed centered and calm and open to what was happening and what was coming next. I did not allow myself to dwell upon negative thoughts…when the few that I did have popped up, I simply loved that  part of myself that was fearful and went back to focusing on my breath. Interestingly, although the thoughts seemed fearful, I actually had no emotional fear.
  • I prayed.
  • I loved my heart. I literally put my hands over my heart and told it repeatedly, sometimes even out loud “I LOVE YOU.”
  • I surrendered. I knew God/LOVE had my back (and heart!) and I let go of any resistance to whatever was happening, even the pain, even the unknown outcome.
  • I looked for the blessing, knowing that it was there…and it was. It always is.

 

 

My Heart Opening/Attack Part III:  The Why

So, we have the “what” and the “how”, now for the “why.”

Two main reasons:

  • I asked for it.

and

  • I asked for it.

I will explain…

  • I have known for years that my cholesterol was high and for years did nothing about it. Due to previous not so positive experiences with the medical (especially psychiatric) community, I had developed a pretty heavy resistance to pharmaceuticals and “modern” health care in general and basically chose to ignore the facts and went about my merry way doing my merry thing.  I ate what I wanted, smoked when I wanted to, skipped exercising when I didn’t feel like it.  In other words, I did not honor my body, this sacred temple provided to house my soul upon this earth while I go about the business of learning how to love and be loved.

So, yes…I asked for it.  Silly me.

  • I literally asked for it.  From God/LOVE.  For months I had been asking God/LOVE to further open my heart, knowing that the heart is the not only the key, but also the door to all that I desire, which is, honestly, to be ONE with All That Is.  To be able to proclaim, as Jesus did, “I and my Father are One.” To be LOVE so purely that I am able to fulfill his prophecy, “These things and greater shall you do.”  To get that bushel basket off of my head and to shine my light as brilliantly as I am capable of and meant to shine.  To do what we are all here to do and that it is LOVE, be LOVED AND to BE the LOVE that we all, innately are.

(Note:  Each time I would ask God/LOVE to open my heart more; the passage from Elizabeth Gilbert’s book “Eat, Pray, Love” would come into my head, the part where she tells about her friend that she met in India.  He kept asking for his heart to be opened and he ended up having open heart surgery.  The memory of this had me adding “Gently, please, Beloved One…gently!” at the end of each request.)

For a very long time I have been walking a very thin line between frustration and patience with myself when it comes to my writing.  I have so much to share, so much literal GOOD NEWS to tell.  My testimony of what God/LOVE has done for me is incredibly powerful and it is my heart’s desire to utilize my gift, write it down and give it to the world.

Sounds simple, yes?

Perhaps, if one doesn’t have a practically life-long emotional blockage attempting to keep one from doing just that.

Even knowing exactly the moment the blockage was created, having exquisite memory of being publically shamed for putting my truth “out there” in writing; I had been unable to overcome my huge resistance, to the point of not writing at all.

So, yes, I was frustrated.

But, strangely, at the same time, I was also patient with myself.  I know the power of LOVE.  I know that its Light illuminates and transforms.  I also know that it has its own, perfect timing and for the most part, I had been able to rest in that knowing but on Easter Sunday I sort of lost my patience with myself AND with God/LOVE and following are some excerpts of what I journaled.

(Note:  I actually do write almost every day.  I journal my thoughts to God/LOVE and I find it to be a potent tool for self discovery and realization.  I actually enjoy it.  I just don’t do it with the intention of sharing it.  That is my sticking point…the putting it “out there.” It’s the pieces like this, written with the intention of sharing, that had me so stymied.)

From my journal:

Good Easter Morning, Beloved One!

Yesterday Bob told me to stop worrying about writing, meaning stop trying to write if it was going to worry me.  I told him I would never, ever give up.  He asked me why and I told him “Because God told me to write.”

Dear God, I know this is true.  I also know that I am not doing this on my own, that YOU are with me, in me, for me and hopefully THROUGH me.  I also know that my contribution to the world is needed.  Dear One, our world is in such chaos and pain.  People are snapping left and right – the whole world seems out of balance.  I know, Beloved One, that the best thing I can do to help is to LIVE my true, Divine identity – to SHINE my light as brilliantly as I am designed, built, capable, MEANT TO – to glorify YOU.  To share and spread the GOOD NEWS – the Power of LOVE. 

Beloved One, I know that in Christ I can do ANYTHING.  Beloved One, I am asking for the upgrade – the expansion in consciousness – the surrender – the opening to and receiving of the GRACE that I KNOW you have ready for me.  I am tired of fighting this, I am tired of being patient.  I am READY.  THANK YOU!  Today, Beloved One,  is the day of Resurrection, of Re-Birth, of Transcendence and LIBERATION.  Today, NOW, AS NEVER BEFORE, I declare my liberation IN LOVE.  AND SO IT IS! AMEN!

THANK YOU!

THANK YOU!

THANK YOU!

So, there you have it.  On Easter Sunday I set myself up for a complete reaming out of my blockage…literally as well as figuratively.

My heart opening/attack happened the next evening.

Just like everything else, there are layers…depths…of surrender.  Over the past ten years I have surrendered…over and over and over again, countless times.  Perhaps I’ve been catching up after a lifetime of refusing to.  It’s that stubborn part of me, the rebel…the revolutionary. Maybe it’s in my blood, I actually am a direct descendant of a soldier that fought in the American Revolution.  (And, then there is that Deep South, rebel birth…)

Whatever the cause, I have never been one to bow gracefully in blind obedience to authority, especially to some gigantic white haired man in the sky continually pointing his finger at me in condemnation, which is how I thought of God for the majority of my 57 years.  That God had no appeal for me and over the years I distanced myself from “him”, the church and Jesus, as well (talk about throwing the baby out with the bath-water!) At one point I actually decided that I did not believe in God, at all.  I mentally and emotionally divorced myself from the relationship, preferring to go my own, confused, messed up way, rather than demean myself by believing in such fairy tales, and declared myself an atheist…or at least an agnostic.  Maybe even an agnostic atheist.  Simply…I did not know and felt like I had never experienced “proof” of God, so I didn’t believe in God…until I did.

It was in June of 2006, ten years ago next month, that I received a “taste” of God through the gift of Reiki.  That “taste” rocked my world and nothing has been the same since.   If I were to never have another direct experience of God’s Love, that one was life changing, paradigm shifting enough to keep me devoted for a lifetime.  THIS, and only this, was something I could bow down…surrender to.

And I have…like I said…over and over and over again and I am sure that I will continue to do so for the rest of my life.  Surrender is a process that, for most, happens in degrees.  We surrender and think we are fully surrendered…until we discover that there is even more to surrender.  Some surrenders are huge, some are small…all are equally important to the process.

This latest surrender of mine was apparently huge.

“Whatever it takes,” was my basic intention.  “I am ready and willing.”

And, there we have it.  I got what I asked for, and in the end, it was a gentle opening.  As physically painful as it was, it was not more than I could endure and there were actually moments of incredible beauty during the attack.  Although I have come to know the awesome Power of Love quite well, the deepening of my understanding of it during this episode once again changed my life.

Absolutely NOTHING is more important than LOVE.

“I may have the gift of prophecy, I may fathom all mysteries, know all things, have all faith — enough to move mountains; but if I lack love, I am nothing.” – 1st Corinthians 13:2

I realized that nothing mattered at all but that I had loved and been loved.  In the end, that really is all that counts.

So, the moral of this story is be careful what you ask for.  If it is in alignment with your highest good and the well-being of all…in other words, with LOVE, you will get it, although it may come packaged in a way that you may not have envisioned.

In LOVE!

Joy Ayscue

May 7th, 2016

fierce love

Addendum:  a couple of interesting notes…

  • My heart actually suffered no damage during the opening/attack!
  • Shortly after my opening/attack, I suddenly remembered finding a snake in our bedroom a couple of weeks prior. At the time I was extremely aware of the kundalini symbolism and was excited by and welcoming to its presence, although I had no premonition of its intent.  I believe the incredible headache that began my opening/attack was my crown chakra blowing wide open in a “top-down” awakening, which unblocked my third eye, throat and its ultimate target, my heart chakra.
  • My heart surgeon’s name is Dr. Ahmed, which means “One who praises God and one whom God praises.” When I saw Dr. Ahmed for my follow up and thanked him for saving my life, he simply said “It was God.”  I silently thought, “Of course…God sent me exactly who I needed!”
  • My heart-felt thanks and gratitude to the following individuals for their loving teachings which helped me prepare for this experience: Dale Allen Hoffman, for bringing the true voice of Jesus to my ears.  Matt Kahn, for offering the spiritual practice “Whatever arises, love that.” And, Graham Cooke for his prophecies and teachings of what is possible in the Kingdom of Heaven, and how to reveal and live it here on Earth.  Each one of you hold a very special place in my heart.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Medical Disclaimer

The medical information included in this post is, at best, of a general nature and cannot substitute for the advice of a medical professional (for instance, a qualified doctor/physician, nurse, pharmacist, and so on). I am none of these. I am simply sharing my own, personal experience. 

Nothing in this post should be construed as an attempt to offer or render a medical opinion or otherwise engage in the practice of medicine. 

My Heart Opening/Attack Part I: “The What”

 

Part I:  “The What”

heart mind opening

The bruises have mostly faded, save a few (stubborn, like me.)

Last night made three weeks since my heart attack, which I prefer to call my heart opening.   The hip to knee bruising was from the angioplasty’s aftermath, when the site where they entered my femoral artery leaked for a while until they went back in and sealed it up.  As painful (and colorful!) as the aftermath to that was, I am grateful that it happened, for it slowed me down and gave me time to reflect and savor the experience I had been given, and honestly, compared to the pain of the actual heart opening/attack, it was nothing.

You know how there are particular events in your life which alter your thinking to “Before” and “After?”  Those things that happen to you which days, weeks, and years later you are able to recall exactly where you were and what you were doing?  “Three weeks ago tonight at this time I was watching The Voice when all of a sudden I thought the top of my head was going to explode.”

This, for me, has been one of those experiences.  And, it began with a headache, which, according to my cardiologist, doesn’t happen.

But it did. Many of you have asked me questions such as “What did it feel like?” and “How did you know?” So, I am here, doing what I have previously resisted so mightily, writing my story to share with those who wish to know.  Maybe it will help someone…I know it will help me.

I don’t want to forget the pain, but even as I type that, I realize that it is already fading.  I suppose it is similar to the pain of childbirth which, once your baby is in your arms, recedes in your mind to a dull memory of secondary importance.  I want the experience in whole to stay fresh in my consciousness so I don’t ever begin to minimize its impact on my heart and mind, and writing it down is an excellent tool to do just that.  Perhaps someday I will read this again and think to myself “Wow! I don’t remember it as that excruciating,” but I don’t think so.

One doesn’t easily forget one’s crucifixion…or one’s resurrection. Which is exactly what it felt like, or, at least, what I would imagine it to feel like. Nor does one lose the gratitude which surviving such an experience births.

So, here’s what happened, what it felt like, how I made it through and what it all possibly means…the “why.”

I really was laying in bed enjoying watching The Voice when all of a sudden, out of no-where, it felt like the top of my head was going to either ex- or implode.  The pressure was incredible, and unlike any headache I’ve had in my life and I have had some doozies, although these past many years since I began practicing meditation and Reiki, I have only had very mild ones and those only very infrequently.

For some reason, instead of treating it with Reiki like I normally would any physical (or mental or emotional) pain, I got out of bed and took a dose of ibuprofen (my regular go-to for more than minor pain) and a 325 mg (not baby sized) aspirin (kept on hand “just in case” but not routinely taken.)  I told Bob I was going to just get ready and go to bed, thinking I would sleep the headache off.  I scooped the litter boxes, brushed my teeth (I was already in my pajamas) and laid back down to relax.

That’s when it started.  The Pain.  THE PAIN.

In my chest.  Then my arms.  Then my neck.  Then, even my ears.

This rolling wave of all encompassing misery.  And, it did come in waves…left to right, right to left, from up to down and back up again. I had never, ever, felt anything like it, and I immediately knew something was very wrong.

I got up, went back into the kitchen and told Bob just that…

“Something is very wrong.”

“This is not good.”

“I think I’m having a heart attack.”

Now, here is where we should have called 911.  Here is where ANYONE should call 911, so if you find yourself thinking you may be having a heart attack, do NOT do what we did, which was get in the car and drive to the hospital, even after I ended up melting onto the front hall floor…I just had to lay down…on the way out the door.

Since they closed our local hospital, we had to drive to Wake Med North in Raleigh which is 20 miles, 30 minutes without traffic, from our home.  The waves continued the whole way like big, bad, rolling thunder with a continual, underlying sense of pure illness.  I wasn’t sick to my stomach but I did have spells of slight, clammy sweating and a need for fresh air.  About half way there, passing Rex’s Wake Forest facility, I asked Bob if they had an urgent care and if we could stop there because I was beginning to wonder if I was going to make it…literally.  He said they did, but it was closed.

I stayed calm.

That amazed me.  Even in the throes of that incredible pain, I stayed centered and focused on my breath, which was becoming more precious with every inhalation, although I was not actually short of breath.  It was more a sense of not knowing if my whole body was going to hold up.

It was an odd thing for me to wonder if my next breath was going to actually come.

At the door to the emergency department, Bob threw the car into park and jumped out (car still running) to get me a wheel chair.  We were directed to the registration desk where I gave them my name and birth date and then insisted I couldn’t answer any more questions right then…

“I need help NOW!” (I’m usually not so impatient/demanding!)

To her credit, the registrar recognized that I really did need immediate attention and notified the triage nurse who wheeled me directly into a room with an EKG machine, which she hooked me up to after a few, perfunctory questions.

I laid there as the machine did its quick thing and watched the nurse rip off the print out and run out of the room.  Before I knew it, I had been wheeled into another room and was quickly surrounded by about 20 people…each one of them either poking me with needles or questions, all talking to each other…

“Heparin.”

“Heparin in.”

“Morphine.”

“Morphine in.”

(YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!  Morphine!!! Relief!!!)

(NOOOOOOOOOO!!! It’s not working!!!)

As they packaged me up for transport to Big Wake for cardiac catheterization, I told Bob “I love you. Call the kids and tell them I love them.” I wanted those to be my last words, if they were going to be my last.

I still just didn’t know.

My paramedic in the ambulance was an angel named Michael.  As we barreled down the highway somehow my pain actually got worse.  I rocked from side to side, my legs doing some kind of weird cycling thing, my whole body now caught up in an agony that I was beginning to question would ever end.  Waves and waves of pain and underneath that pain was a whole other ocean of misery.  Every time the driver hit the siren I prayed, “Jesus, open the way.”

He did.

Arriving at Big Wake, I was wheeled directly to the cardiac cath lab, where the whole team was standing by, ready for me.  At this point, the morphine and Ativan I had been given began to really kick in…not so much relieving the pain, but allowing me to relax my body a bit and making everything even more surreal.  More poking and prodding, instructions to lay still, lights being turned off and on, monitors glowing.  I saw my heart on a screen.  I felt the doctor pushing, tapping something into my body.  I looked at his tired, intent face, saw him yawn.

And then, suddenly, the pain was gone.

Just like that.

GONE.

(NOTE!  Heart attack symptoms can vary WIDELY between individuals!  Here is a great article and website to get you familiar with what to watch for. http://myheart.net/articles/signs-and-symptoms-of-a-heart-attack/  And, have some aspirin on hand…”just in case!”)

To be continued…

 

Medical Disclaimer

The medical information included in this post is, at best, of a general nature and cannot substitute for the advice of a medical professional (for instance, a qualified doctor/physician, nurse, pharmacist, and so on). I am none of these. I am simply sharing my own, personal experience. 

Nothing in this post should be construed as an attempt to offer or render a medical opinion or otherwise engage in the practice of medicine. 

What I Learned from Writing Erotica (or, The Accidental Pornographer?)

tantra

The other day I posted a link to a story I had written for my husband as a Valentine’s Day gift, at his request. It was his loving way of encouraging me to get over my fear of and resistance to “putting myself out there” in print. The story, a piece of erotica, was motivated by LOVE and was written with the following intentions:

(1) To fulfill my amazing husband’s loving request.
(2) To get over my fear of publishing my work and to bust through a shadow which has kept me limited for almost 50 years.
(3) To push myself outside of my comfort zone in order to grow as not only a writer, but as a person.
(4) To exercise my creativity.
(5) To use my gift of writing to not only entertain but to uplift and illuminate.
(6) To fully surrender to and allow God/LOVE to work through me in this way.

I shared the link on facebook in an invitation to my friends and family to celebrate my breakthrough with me. So many have been witness to my struggles with writer’s block and have supported and encouraged me for so long, I thought a nice way to thank them for all of their love would be to share my joy with them…as they say, “A joy shared is doubled!” And, I felt secure in doing so because my husband was cool with it and, most importantly, I felt strong in my conviction that this was not only a good thing to do, but that it was divinely inspired as well as guided.

Believe me…I thought long and hard about sharing myself in this way with the world, not to mention the hours of prayer and meditation, and not just because of the subject matter. For me to put ANY of my writing out into the Universe is a huge deal because of that shadow issue, mentioned above. But, every time I questioned God/LOVE, I got the same validation…”Do it!”

So, I did. And, now I have been challenged to examine my conscience concerning my actions and their resulting consequences, so here I go:

Concerning writing erotica, I stand firm in knowing that what I wrote was not pornography, as accused. Now, the trick here is that this is a very subjective area. As Leon F Seltzer Ph.D. writes, the topic “is so steeped in personal moral, aesthetic, and religious values” that it is important to remember each one of us will have our own views and perspectives, and here’s the real kicker…each one of can be considered to be “right” because of this fact. I can’t tell you that you are wrong for considering what I wrote to be pornographic because of your life’s experience, beliefs and unconscious shadows. That is simply your view…your truth. I can’t take that away from you any more than you can take my truth away from me.

This is paradox. We can both be right, “can” being the operative word. Each of us has to allow the other’s “rightness” to exist for paradox to be fully realized and benefitted from. Unfortunately, this isn’t a well understood phenomenon and rarely is its power employed.

In contemplating this challenge, I did some research on the difference between pornography and erotica. I won’t take up your time by posting definitions and etymologies, but I found Dr. Seltzer’s summary spoke very eloquently what I feel is my own truth: “…what in general separates the erotic from the pornographic is an attitude toward sex and human sexuality that can be inferred from looking (dare I use the word, “objectively”?) at the finished product. If the subjects are portrayed in a manner that focuses on their inner and outer radiance, their fleshy vitality, and the work itself seems to manifest a passionate and powerful affirmation of life and the pleasures of this world, then I think we’re talking erotic. If, however, the subjects seem reduced to so many body parts, if any beauty appears subordinate to the overriding purpose of arousal, if the sex depicted seems depersonalized, controlling, non-mutual, and devoid of fun or play (but rather seems about “getting down to business” and “getting off”)–and if the sex acts pictured contain not a hint of human caring or emotional connectedness to them–that, to me, would definitely secure the work’s place in the realm of pornography.”

(Excellent post, by the way…here’s a link to the full article in Psychology Today https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201104/what-distinguishes-erotica-pornography )

Even the Supreme Court of the United States has admitted difficulty in defining pornography, including Justice Potter Stewart who wrote that he could not define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it.

Again…we see that it’s all in the eye of the beholder. My erotica might be your porn and vice versa.

So, again, I honor you for speaking your truth and standing firm in your beliefs. However, please don’t tell me that just because you believe what I wrote is “wrong” that I should believe as you do. I’ve been there, done that. In fact, this whole episode in the life of Joy could be said to be about exactly that. I’m speaking once again about that shadow that I’ve dealt with for most of my life. When I was seven years old I was publically shamed by an authority figure who told me that I was wrong. The problem with this was that I wasn’t wrong…and neither was she. We were both right. Only, neither of us could or did realize this. She knew she was right and I knew I was right but she had the position to over-rule me and the ugly disposition to make me suffer, which I did…intensely in that moment and chronically for the following half century. I won’t do that again.

I won’t doubt my truth.
I won’t doubt my motivations or intentions.
I won’t doubt myself or my gifts, abilities and talents.
I won’t doubt my God.
I WON’T DOUBT LOVE.

Now, about the website I posted my writing on. Literotica.com is a website that accepts amateur authors “quality erotic story submissions” and offers the “hottest in erotic fiction and fantasy.” If one were to take the time to explore the site, they would find a WIDE array of works that encompass just about every aspect, area and topic concerning sexuality. There are even some submissions that have absolutely nothing to do with sex. There are some brilliantly written pieces which reflect the beauty and amazing potential of our sexual natures and there are some which aren’t and don’t. Just like every other open public website on the internet you get a mix of it all. On YouTube one can watch videos that make your heart open wide and your mind expand enormously. You can also see people blowing other people up and laughing about it. On Facebook one can see posts which uplift and illuminate and unify all of mankind as well as those which are racist, homophobic, and countless others which darken, divide and separate. Do you stop visiting and participating in these websites because of the “bad apples?” Do you throw the baby out with the bathwater?

Over the course of my self-examination on this matter, I’ve come to realize so many things. This particular life lesson has multiple layers and they just keep on showing up and peeling away. Right now I am focusing on the following:

1) Standing in my Truth. Exercising my Faith. Walking my Talk.
2) We need to be talking about sex and sexuality. We need to talk to our selves about it, we need to talk to God about it, we need to talk to our partners about it AND we need to talk to each other, especially our children, about it. It, like every other gift we have been given, is incredibly powerful and has the full potential to help us…well, basically, realize that Heaven is not somewhere else other than right here on Earth. It also has the potential to be incredibly destructive when misunderstood and abused.

3) Even with as much work as I’ve done on myself over the past 9 years, the absolutely wonderful relationship (including sexual) that I have with my husband and my awesome life in general, I still have shadow work to do on myself in many areas, including my sexuality and now I am even more determined to do it. I am dedicated to exploring EVERY aspect of myself and my life and living each to its fullest potential, depth and richness.

4) I need to share more of myself. If someone thinks I would consciously do something…ANYthing…motivated by anything other than LOVE, then they don’t know me well enough. The simple way to rectify this is to open myself up more, put myself “out there” and shine my light even more-so.

So, in conclusion…

Sometime last summer I heard three words that have made a huge difference in my life. “Empaths crave validation.” That’s ME! Or, that USED to be me! I SOOOO didn’t trust myself in just about any matter or area of my life that I was always looking outside of myself to make sure I was “right.” Along my active path I’ve found that I no longer need anyone else to tell me that I’m on the right track, am doing the right things, saying the right words, doing a good job, etc.. These days I get my validation directly from God, and you may rest assured that when I’m NOT on the right track I am very quickly set straight. Of course, when the outside validation comes, it’s always welcomed, but it definitely isn’t necessary. I’ve even found that when I do rely ONLY on God for validation, it comes even more often and more clearly. Since I wrote and posted the erotica story that I wrote for my husband, God has been telling me left and right “You’re doing a good job…just keep on doing what you’re doing,” in so many ways.

So, that’s what I’m going to do…keep on doing what I’m doing. I’m going to write more erotica with the intent that it be integral, uplifting and illuminating of the importance and power of our sexuality and sexual relationships. I’m also going to be talking about it and sharing my own journey of exploration into Sacred Sex, where our sexuality and sexual union is experienced as being blessed by God/LOVE and furthering Its purpose, as it unfolds. When I realized God really did want me to do this I honestly questioned, “What?!!! Who??!!! Me?!!!” and was answered with, “Who better than you? You who have experienced both the “dark” and the “light” sides of sex…you who have come to embrace the whole and are devoted to fulfilling this gift’s promises?”

So, to my friend who gave me the opportunity to do this in-depth self-exploration, I thank you. You are an angel in disguise. I now stand even stronger in my resolve to serve God/LOVE in whatever ways are divinely given to me, as best I can and without self-doubt or fear, and in the knowledge that this particular venture IS divinely inspired, guided and endorsed.

I leave you with two quotes:

“We are born sensuous; we become erotic. To cultivate the erotic is also to engage with sexuality as a quality of aliveness and vitality that extend beyond a mere repertoire of sexual techniques. We learn to play, be curious, engage with our imagination, anticipate. Erotic intelligence is our ability to bring novelty to the enduring, mystery to the familiar, and surprise to the known.” – sexual therapist Marty Klein in his book, Sexual Intelligence

and

“Beyond our ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase ‘each other’
doesn’t make sense any more.” ~ Rumi

In LOVE!
Joy

p.s.  for those who would like to read my first attempt at erotic story writing, here is a link to it on literotica.com  //www.literotica.com/s/she-and-he-the-initation

Letting Go & Letting LOVE

Yesterday I had the pleasure…no…the pure joy! of twirling a toddler ‘round and ‘round and ‘round as she grinned and giggled until we both turned just a little dizzy.

Today, as I reflected on this precious experience, my understanding of the teaching “unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven,” deepened and I realized just how much I’ve been resisting embodying this wisdom in my life.

Remembering the pure trust shining in this little child’s delighted face as we spun around…I wondered how I would react if someone picked me up out of the blue and began whirling me through the air at the ends of their arms.  In my mind and heart’s eyes I saw me screaming to be put down, scared, fearful, not trusting at all.  Being a smallish sized person, I’ve actually had similar experiences in my adult life and, probably because of my resistance, none of them turned out to be very pleasant.

I then allowed myself to imagine being in the place of this innocent child…only I was me…at the other end of God/LOVE’s arms.  HE/SHE/IT has been twirling me around all my life…from my first breath through this present moment, and I have been continually dragging my feet, whining to slow down, resisting the pleasure of pure momentum and exhilarating flight.  In other words…not fully trusting the ride and thus not fully experiencing the pure joy of it.

I see that relaxing into “The Ride” is a metaphor for being my true, authentic self…withholding nothing, joyfully whooping my way through this life’s experience, fully expressing my gifts with no self-doubt, no self-judgment, no fear or worry and no hesitation.  I see myself finally surrendering completely to this power that I have come to know as LOVE/GOD and actually ENJOYING this process that is continually unfolding…trusting without reserve that I am not only taken care of, but cherished and supported in BEING MYSELF, beyond belief.

Here’s to kicking up our heels, letting go and LETTING LOVE!!!

LetgoLetLoveImage Credit:  Melissa Lawrence  http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-4538/Let-Go-Let-Love-Surrender-to-Your-Higher-Self.html

My Life is But a Weaving…

What is a spiritual entrepreneur?

What does it take to create something new?

The poem, “The Weaver”, often attributed to Corrie Ten Boom, but also to Benjamin Malachi Franklin keeps coming to mind when I contemplate the above questions.

“My life is but a weaving

between my Lord and me…”

 

yarn

 

A vision of a great, sturdy, beautifully crafted loom.

The warp already set with infinite precision and skill.

The waiting weft an endless store of rainbow hued threads.

My little willingness to begin the work enough.

As I weave I am surrendered to a forgotten and beloved rhythm and flow

and beneath and through my hands a master piece is revealed.

….that is how being a spiritual entrepreneur feels to me.  That I am surrendered to this process of aligning my will with that of The Divine for the purpose of allowing the full, unique expression of that Oneness.

And, that is how something truly new is created.